Developing Independence in Your Children
By Tangie Dean
Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
- By Dorothy Law Nolte
The poem Children Learn What They Live paints a clear picture of whatever is instilled in a child as he grows up will be reflected outwardly throughout his life. Most parents are willing to do just about anything for their children. Some have lied, stolen, and fought. But, many of these same parents may find it difficult to trust their child to do a task and do it well. Some parents are so committed to their children's success that they will do everything for them even when they are old enough to do it for themselves. They may see this as being helpful and loving or quicker and easier. However, spending time teaching or allowing your children to do things for themselves is time well-spent. It builds their confidence and perception of self. In the long run, it is time that parents will not have to fuss about having to do everything around the house or deal with a child that feels inadequate.
Because children learn what they live, the goal of parenting should be to teach children to be independent. When you allow them to make choices for themselves, you build their problem solving skills, self-esteem, and sense of capability. But, your children will not develop any of these characteristics just because you desire them for your children. Starting from birth, they need a variety of experiences to develop these characteristics.
The following examples may assist you in helping your child become independent.
Infants
- Give your baby lots of tummy time through out the day
- Lay your baby in his crib so he learns to fall asleep on his own
Toddler
- Give your child choices in what she wears. "Would you like to wear your pink skirt or the blue skirt?" "You can have an apple or an orange for snack."
- Play with your child and allow him to lead the play. Avoid giving your child directions or teaching during play. Let him be creative.
Preschool
- Let your child pick out their own clothes.
- Use a clean up routine that helps your child be responsible for her toys
- Praise your child often for behaviors that you see as appropriate. Ignore annoying behaviors.
Pre-teen
- Give your child chores around the house. Avoid giving too many tasks.
- Give your child the responsibility of monitoring time. i.e. You can play at your friend's house until 6:00.
Teen
- Accept that your child will make mistakes. Allow them and help them learn from them. Lecturing does no good but asking what might have done differently will be effective.
- Remember to discuss in detail the household rules and allow them to participate in coming up with consequences for breaking the rules.
I love the sayings; "begin with the end in mind", especially as it relates to parenting. If you don't know what you want for your children, how can you guide them to that place? Denis Waitley stated it best when he said, "The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the WINGS of independence. Give them their WINGS and let them soar. Let everyday be Independence Day for your children.